Amanda Eckard (not) for President 2008!

I remember in the 2000 and the 2004 elections that every stupid news channel interviewed stupid people about why they were voting for who they were voting for. Some people were smart and said something to the effect of, "I want to vote for the candidate that best represents my beliefs and ideals." Then they would inevitably interview some dude that says something like, "I want to vote for the guy that I would want to sit down and have a beer with." This always struck me as odd because a) they would usually be talking about George W. Bush (I mean, who the fuck would want to have a beer with Al Gore or John Kerry? Unless it was multiple beers for the reason of drinking yourself into a coma as they drone on and on...) and everyone knows that G-Dub is a big ole alkie and he would probably only drink O'Doul's, the Sissy Beer for Sissies(tm) and b) why would you want a president who you can drink beer with and have burping contests with?

This question was always interesting to me because it means that people want to vote for a president who is a "regular joe" and "just like me." Listen, people. The President of the United States is the leader of the free world. He has his hand on the nuke button, runs the global economy, and has the best military operation at his disposal to start wars...and you want him to be just like you? I'm sorry, but I want my president to be a whole fucking lot smarter than me. I want a president who went to a better school than me and actually made better grades, who had a higher paying job than I do, who spent all of his freaking time in the library when I was out doing body shots off of some drag queen named Calpernia, and can say the name "Putin" without giggling like a 13-year-old boy.

So, during the primaries when Hillary threw back that shot of whiskey in Pennsylvania, I was impressed because I would have puked that shit all over the place. The president should have an iron stomach. And when Obama bowled like a 30, I knew that he was the guy for me because he obviously has spent more time being a nerd of world knowledge than throwing back pitchers of Natty Lite at the Strike 'n' Spare on a Friday night. Mitt Romney was a smart guy, but he used too much hair product. Huckabee? His name is fucking Huckabee, y'all. So that leaves McCain. Would I have a beer with McCain? Probably. Just like I would like to have a beer with my grandpa so he could get slightly tipsy and tell me about all the women he "did" at various ports of call during THE WAR and then he would cry a little and mention how his father would smack him it a tree branch when he was bad and then I would help him to the couch so he could sleep it off while snoring and drooling clutching his war medals. I like a good story. The same reason why I would not vote for my grandfather is the same reason why I would not vote for McCain, besides the fact that my grandfather is dead and not half-dead like McCain (or is it "mostly dead?"). Because I would definitely buy him a Miller Lite and make off-color jokes with him. I could never see myself doing that with Obama. He is so out of my league...and that's why he has my vote.

I leave you with this thought - the last two "folksy" presidents that we had in recent history were Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. 'Nuff said.

SWF seeks Catch Phrase for popularity and fame. No fatties.

I have decided that I need a catch phrase. Many pioneers before me have had them in both movies and television. And while I am on neither of those, I still want a catch phrase, because I often think of my life as a sitcom. JJ had "Dy-no-mite!!!" on "Good Times"; Arnold had "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" on "Diff'rent Strokes"; Joey had "How you doin'?" on "Friends"; and, God help me, even Stephanie Tanner had "How rude!" on "Full House." While the latter made me want to claw my eyes out with the blunt end of fence post, most catch phrases are fun and memorable.

But I have a dilemma in this quest. I don't want anything plain...or overused...or misunderstood...or offensive...or profane...or hard to pronounce. Oh, and it has to be in English. Not that I have anything against using another language, but if you heard me trying to speak Spanish or Italian, you would want to claw your eardrums out with the sharp end of a fence post. I can never roll my r's very well and I end up sounding like Marlee Matlin (yes, I went there...sue me). Plus, Bart Simpson has "Aye carumba!" and I'm pretty sure that no one even knows what that means and that it was offensive to an entire sub-culture. But, you know, whatever. It sold t-shirts.

I am thinking about doing something like stringing two funny-sounding words together and putting "Holy" in front of it. Like this:
"Holy nutsnickers!"
or
"Holy fartpanties!"
or
"Holy penispod!"
But I'm not so sure those catch phrases really capture the essence of me. Plus if I had to say "panties" all the time I might impale myself on a fence post.

So, this is the quest that I am on. Any suggestions are welcome no matter how utterly stupid they are. Actually, if they are really stupid then it might work. It might make me never want to talk to you again, but you could at least sleep at night knowing that you made my catch phrase possible and thus made the world a better place.

When the world laughs at Nashville.

You know, I always thought how peculiar it was when the weather forecast would call for snow and then the next day there not only wasn't any snow, but there was also no bread or milk on the shelves at the grocery store. I would laugh and shake my head and think, "people are dumbasses." But I never thought it was a regional problem; I thought it's just our society showing its penchant for panic and end-of-the-world mentality. Not any longer. I would like to check the statistics on the rate of heart attacks in the greater Nashville area, because I think that the majority of Nashvillians are tightly-wound, high-anxiety fucks.

It started late Thursday night. I was driving back home from shopping with mom and we noticed very long lines at the three gas stations at the intersection near my apartment complex. The previous week, it had been pretty hard to find gas at stations after the hurricane, but if you kept driving a few more miles you would eventually find a stocked station. Then Friday morning - a day that would live in infamy, much like Pearl Harbor or the day "Dallas" was cancelled - all hell broke loose. Lines at gas stations that were a mile long in some places, and most pumps were just bone dry. It was all out Armageddon, people.

I did not panic. I had 3/4 of a tank and knew that things would be back to normal before I needed any more. But the hysteria created by the local media made otherwise logical people go batshit crazy. Now, being relatively isolated at my office, I thought that this was a regional problem because of the hurricane and the refineries being shut down. Then I came to find out that, no, it was just Nashville. And then found out that refineries were not to blame. It was rumor. A RUMOR. That started the Great Gas Kerfuffle of 2008:

Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy: An estimated three-fourths of gas stations in the Nashville, Tennessee, area ran dry Friday, victim of an apparent rumor that the city was running out of gas.

Officials said panic regarding a rumor of a lack of gas caused customers to to rush to the pumps.

"Everybody has just gone nuts," said Mike Williams, executive director of the Tennessee Petroleum Council.

He said he has no idea about the origin of a rumor that there was going to be no gas in Nashville. One reporter called him, saying she had heard that Nashville would be without gas within the hour, he said.

Hearing the rumor, drivers rushed to fill their cars and trucks.

Congratulations, Nashville. Now the whole world thinks that we are a bunch of fucktards. We should change our name from Music City USA to Gullible City of Idiots. The whole world is laughing at us and this time it is not because of Vanderbilt football.

UPDATE: This video is hilarious.

When old, hobbit-like creatures speak.

So, I wasn't going to watch the McCain speech. After wanting to slit my wrists after the Sarah Pain-lin alleged "speech" last night, I didn't know if I could take another lie-filled shit spew. But the Giants/Redskins game is boring and I have already had a glass of wine, so I thought I would live-blog Bilbo Baggins' acceptance speech at the Repugnant National Convention...right after I pour another glass of wine...

Here we go!

8:49 - Did Cindy get some fresh botox? Damn, I gotta get me some of that.

9:09 - FYI...John McCain was a P.O.W.

9:10 - Token black people in the video. Wha??

9:13 - This seems awfully, um, small compared to like 80,000 people in a stadium. Might be just me.

9:15 - Green screen? Did they not learn that that makes him look really really old? Also, why is he wearing an orange tie and not red or white? Is he a terrorist? Shout out to President Bush, the worse president in history. Way to lose 70% of the electorate.

9:18 - Seven kids? One for every house! They named their Indian adoptive child Brittney showing that they are not fit to be in the White House.

9:20 - "All people are created equal," except black people, gays, Mexicans, women, people with disabilities...

9:22 - Yes!!!! Disruptor!!!! I love it! McCain is the kindergarten teacher trying to wrangle his snot-nosed little punks.

9:24 - McCain is pissed that no one is listening to him. He says "Warshington." Palin shout out. She is cuter when her mouth is shut.

9:26 - "I can't wait until I introduce her to Warshington." Has she ever been there? Can she point to it on a map?

9:30 - McCain is going to cut pork barrel spending. Maybe he should start with the GREAT STATE OF ALASKA, who has requested more earmarks under Pain-lin than any other state.

9:31 - Shout out to the troops in Iraq...who he put in harm's way in the first place while Osama Bin laden is still alive.

9:32 - Bill and Sue in Michigan! Woot! They lost their house! Because of Bush! And McCain! Woot!

9:33 - Some dude int he audience is pissed that McCain is talking about the damn middle class. "But but but, how are you going to get me more money in my hendge fund? Uh!"

9:35 - I need more wine...and a hammer to the head. Ooo, he is slamming the Repugs! They do not like that. They are PISSED. They are all looking at each other like "What the fuck? Us????"

9:36 - These people don't even know what the fuck they are cheering for anymore. They are like, "Lincoln was a Republican? That commie bastard?"

9:38 - "BOOOOO!!!!" Let me know what those plans are, m'kay Walnuts? I'll wait. Waiting.... Waiting....

9:39 - Blah blah blah. I am so bored right now. Hey, if you want to get rid of government, why the fuck do we even need you for president?

9:41 - I think I'm drunk.

9:43 - This man does not know how to deliver a line.

9:44 - They are cheering whenever he says anything. "My friends...THE." YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:45 - Drill drill drill! Keep us addicted to oil! Yes! That is soooo revolutionary.

9:46 - He said "automobiles" with a question mark at the end. Like, "what is this automobiles??? I have never heard of such a thing!"

9:47 - I bet you ten bucks that the teleprompter says "Pause for applause."

9:48 - Oh my god, he is bringing up the Russia/Georgia conflict. He whacks off to this shit every night with his crazy stump arms. You know it's true. No one gives a SHIT about Russia.

9:49 - I know it's not butter!

9:51 - Does he know how to talk about anything other than war? I bet he talks about it in his private life too. "Hey Cindy, that is a really nice outfit. It would look nice...IN WAR."

9:52 - Cut to old white guy in audience. Wash, rinse, repeat.

9:53 - Everyone is falling asleep. "The scars to prove it" line was his kicker??? Wow. Um, OK. SNORE.

9:54 - It's almost time for "Will & Grace" on Lifetime. Let's wrap this up. Did he just make a slavery reference??? Racist.

9:55 - He was a POW??? What the fuck? Why didn't anyone tell me? Good thing he never mentions it for political gain. Cut to old white guy! I should start a drinking game. Except that I am already drunk.

9:58 - Ok, this is kind of touching. My cold, callous heart can be reached every once in a while.

9:59 - VOMIT. OK, the bitch is back.

10:01 - I miss my grandpa.

10:02 - "Fight fight fight!!! Stand up and fight!!" Did I just switch the channel to "Braveheart"?

10:03 - Ha ha! They are playing that stupid "Raisin' McCain" song. What a piece of shit.

10:05 - Todd Palin looks so uncomfortable right now. He needs a drink. And then he needs to drive.

10:06 - WTF? They are playing the "West Wing" theme? "The West Wing"? About a Democratic president? Nice.

10:07 - I am so over this shit. I gotta go to donate to Obama now. Peace!

The English language is under attack.

You probably started reading this post thinking that you were going to find some venting about me having to explain my order 500 times to the cashier at Taco Bell or railing against the fact that I have to "push one" for English or "marca el dos" for Spanish on my bank's telephone service. But what you don't realize is that I enjoy immigrants. Especially illegal ones. What can I say? I like rebel law-breakers. Plus, I think Spanish is sexy. If you don't, just watch "Volver" with Penelope Cruz, wipe the saliva off your chin, light a cigarette and then come talk to me.

No, the English language is not under attack from people jumping fences and running for the border and away from really good tacos. It is under attack from Americans. Yes, born in the wool, dyed in the blood, slapped on the ass, slovenly, overweight, capitalistic Americans. And why? Because we can.

Take for example text messaging. I love text messaging. I actually prefer it as a means of communication against all others because it means that I have to talk to people even less than I do now. It's win/win. But try as I might, I have never been able to use "text speak." u no how u txt uzg as fw ltrs n th sntnc as pssbl n stl gt ur pnt? See, that sentence alone made me break out in cold sweats and stab out my eyes with an ice pick. I don't know if it is because I enjoy the English language too much or if I just think that every letter in the alphabet is important and should get its chance to shine in a sentence like all of the others, but I would rather make out with a llama than text that way. And now it appears that texting is competing with television and video games in the popular arena of making kids dumb and fat. It amazes me how the advance of technology has actually made us more idiotic as a nation.

My second example is a little more disturbing because it involves animals. Poor, defenseless animals. Have you seen this site? The idea is to use (allegedly) cute pictures of cats and sometimes randomly placed pandas (???) and then put captions on them. OK, harmless enough, I guess. But the captions are usually in some sort of broken English leading the reader to believe that either a) cats and pandas are complete dumbasses, or b) that their owners are. I'm not sure which is worse. I personally think that if cats could speak they would sound something like Patrick Stewart or Morgan Freeman, not Paris Hilton. Pandas probably sound like Penelope Cruz. At least I hope so. When I look at these "LOLcatz" it usually takes me about 10 seconds to actually decipher what the caption says and by that time, even if it would have been funny, has now been drained of all its humor and cuteness...and now I am just pissed. Take this one for example:
Why is this poor kitten retarded? "De hoomanz"? This just makes me hate kittens, and kittens don't deserve that. They are a peaceful species. Now pandas? They can fucking die in hell for all I care, the ugly beasts.

My point, and I do have one, is that next time you get angry at someone who is having a little trouble understanding your order, or you scream "THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!!!" when watching a news segment on the border patrol, or Penelope Cruz comes up to you on the street and says "quiero pegar mi lengua abajo su garganta" and you say "you're in America...speak American" and walk away, just remember that it is not "the illegals" who are screwing up the language, it just might be you.

Now, aren't you ashamed?

Plant Lady Quote of the Week

"Jimmy Wayne sure can sing, but he is really funny lookin'. Well, have a good day!"

We've moved!

To those who have followed me over here from my MySpace blog, please know that you will still find the same cynical witty banter with myself (is that possible? yes.) only on a much larger scale and and a much more frequent basis (until I get bored, that is).

To those of you who have never seen or heard of my blogs before, first of all, I'm sorry. Second of all, be sure to buckle your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride!