Do my Globes look Golden to you?

Golden Globes! The most popular irrelevant awards show ever.

MONOLOGUE TIME Ricky Gervais is upstaged by Steve Carrell...again. Cosmetic surgery jokes? Really? Maybe try a penis joke next. And there it is. Angelina Jolie joke. Sigh. This is going to be a long night.

FIRST AWARD given by Nicole Kidman who talks about the Haiti ribbons. Best Supporting Actress. I'm pulling for MoNique. Score!!! She is taking her sweet ass time getting up there. Seriously, she is going to say, "Thanks..." SHUT UP MUSIC! She gets all sassy. And then she makes me cry. She looks fabulous and then she says she's going to be there for a while. Work it, girl! Yeah, I can't pull that off. The way the camera angle is makes her look like she's nekkid. The Golden Globes just got fined $500,000 for plus-sized nudity.

BEST ACTRESS, TV COMEDY This award should always go to Tina Fey. ALWAYS. Toni Colette wins and I can't tell the difference between her and Edie Falco. Why is it taking everyone an hour to get to the stage? Terrible logistics. Toni says something in British that I can't understand. Probably something like, "Blimey! I cait believe I won this bloomin' award on the loo!" Sorry, Tina Fey. Come over to my house and I will console you.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I can take this moment to say that I kind of like the GGs, because they have dinner and wine during the show and so there is it is much more likely that someone will be drunk and make an ass of themselves.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, TV Doogie Howser's forehead keeps getting higher. Jeremy Piven wins best hairplugs. John Lithgow wins for "Dexter," but I will always remember him from "Harry and the Hendersons," which I am pretty sure for which he never won any award. He bores me.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM Paul McCartney presents and he looks like he has an extra sleeve on his suit jacket. Why are there so many British people? Apparently they don't have teleprompters at the GGs. "Fantastic Mr. Fox" should win, but "Up" will...and does. Surprise. Pixar pretty much had this award on their mantle 11 months ago.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I don't get the TN Lottery's big check commercial. Aside from it's sheer stupidity, it makes no sense. But they can still send me one of those big checks any time. Thanks.

Kate Hudson is in "Nine"? Is there anyone not in that movie? Is there any movie I want to see less? She introduces a clip to the movie and what I can gather, it is a movie about prostitutes who sing. Riveting.

Ricky's back and his Haiti ribbon is askew. He hates Haitians, obvs.

Felicity Huffman is possibly drunk or needs glasses. I'll let you know. She flubs her lines terribly and now no one knows what the hell she is talking about.

President of the GGs. Why do they feel like they have to talk? He is German. He also hates the Haitians. That is all you need know.

BEST ACTOR, TV DRAMA Jane Krakowski is missing a strap on her dress, so her Haiti ribbon is on her boob. She loves the Haitians. Neil Patrick Harris is not impressed with her boobs, natch. Dexter dude wins. I don't watch the show, but he is wearing a skull cap so he is an automatic douche. Unless he has cancer. Oh shit, does he have cancer??? I feel bad now, maybe. No, I think he is just a douche. UPDATE: He does have cancer. And I am a moron. John Lithgow wants to make out with Michael C. Hall. BEST ACTRESS, TV DRAMA Julianna Margulies wins for another show I don't watch. The GG people hate her because they gave her a table in the very back. Seriously, they need motorized scooters or something. This is painful. She's beautiful, but her dress is one of those asymmetrical dealies and her Haiti ribbon clashes.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I just read this article about the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yes, these awards are voted on by 93 people. What the?

Harry Ford introduces the "Up in the Air" clip. I haven't seen it, but from what I can tell, it is about indie music in an airport. Ok, so...

Ricky Gervais is wearing me out, but his Haiti ribbon is back to normal. He supports them again. Whew.

ORIGINAL SONG, MOVIE Whoa, Christina Aguilera actually looks less trashy than Cher. Never thought I'd see the day. Some Maudlin song wins from a movie called "Crazy Heart," which I have not seen. Shit, maybe I shouldn't be doing this after all. T Bone Burnett accepts. He's weird. The writer of the song is apparently stuck in the next building. They didn't even let him in. ORIGINAL SCORE "Up" wins, of course. I think that if you make a Pixar movie and it doesn't win this award, you are forced to work in a sweatshop in Calcutta and are never heard from again.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I have to pee. I'am also still bored.

BEST MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE Josh Brolin does that stupid thing where he blows a kiss to someone in the audience. YOU ARE ON TV, DUMBASS. "Grey Gardens" wins. Haven't seen it. Seems boring. Good god, no one knows where to go to get to the stage. It takes them two hours to get to the stage. The lady is shouting over the shut up music. Ha ha ha ha! Moving on...

Tom Hanks introduces the "Julie & Julia" clip. Stanley Tucci doesn't get that the joke that Tom made was not a slam on him but Alec Baldwin. I saw "Julie & Julia." I fell asleep.

BEST ACTRESS, MOVIE COMEDY OR MUSICAL Colin Ferrell says "balls." Heh. Julia Roberts claps for herself. That's about right. Meryl Streep wins for "Julie & Julia." I love her. Just love everything about her, want to be her for Halloween. Why are all of these actors so befuddled when they get up there? They do this shit all the time. She's humble, like my best friend should be. Yes, we are best friends now. Deal with it. She doesn't get shut up music because she is MERYL FUCKING STREEP, BITCHES. She's eloquent as always and I am crushing big time. She should win every award ever. Grammy for Best Polka Album? The winner is Meryl Streep. Done.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I ate a granola bar. Cyndi Lauper is on the new "Celebrity Apprentice." Awesome.

Helen Mirren can't read. George Lucas is still standing up at his table. Helen introduces "Precious." It's a heartbreaking movie but beautifully done. The clip they show does not do it justice.

BEST ACTOR, MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE Yawn, get on with it. Does anyone care? Kevin Bacon wins for the first time in his life. That's crazy! He still dresses like Ren McCormick in "Footloose" with the skinny tie. Move on, Bacon, that time is over. BEST ACTRESS, SAME SHIT Drew Barrymore is dating a Mac. She wins for "Grey Gardens." Did I mention I haven't seen it? Also her first win ever. She doesn't know how to get to the stage. She's being all Drew Barrymore-ish. You know, cutesy and all. What the hell is she talking about? She's wearing a coral reef on her shoulder. I need some wine. Dude, her head is about to explode. No one knows what she just said. How embarassing.

It's getting late and people are milling about and getting in the camera shot. I would go crowd surfing. Cameron Diaz's red dress introduces "It's Complicated." Haven't seen it. Someone please give me money and time so I can go see some freaking movies. The camera operators are drunk. I wish I was.

BEST SCREENPLAY Jennifer Anniston is missing a strap on her dress too. Someone is stealing actresses' dress straps. News at 11. "Up in the Air" wins. Jason Rietman is the new "it" director, I guess. I liked "Juno," so I'm cool with it. Jason wants to make out with George Clooney. So does Haiti. Seriously, George Clooney is probably the nicest guy in Hollywood.

BEST ACTOR, TV COMEDY Jennifer Garner could pop 15 babies out of her and still look amazing. Alec Baldwin wins, but he is dead. Just kidding. Thankfully he is not there so we are spared another speech.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR If there isn't a drunken rampage or a nip slip soon I am turning the channel. I think we all know "Avatar" is going to win Best Picture.

Samuel L. Jackson introduces "Inglorious Basterds." Guess what? Haven't seen it. It's about Hitler and Nazis and stuff. I guess?

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM I can guarantee I haven't seen any of these, so I will take a little nap. Dude. Sophia Loren looks AMAZING. She is in her 80s I think. Seriously, get me the number of her plastic surgeon. I really should watch more foreign films, but honestly I think they generally are crap, or as they say in France, crappe.

BEST DRAMA SERIES Amy Poehler, we miss you on SNL. I hope Dexter wins so I will be forgiven of my prior transgression. Yes, that will make me square with the universe. "Mad men" wins and I am still going to hell. In the 20 minutes it takes them to get to the stage let me just say that the production quality of this show is terrible. It's worse than my marching band banquet in high school. The "Mad Men" producer says "Television is amazing right now," but forgot to add, "except on NBC."

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR What have I gotten myself into? Seinfeld has a new show that I will never watch and neither will America.

Some dude from "Twilight" introduces the clip from "500 Days of Summer." I've seen it! Just kidding, I haven't. Sigh.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, TV Please let Jane Lynch win, only because she is super awesome. Clohe Sevingn (I know I just spelled that wrong, but I don't feel like looking it up). She falls and rips her dress and then does a weird laugh where she gasps in a high-pitched breath. I don't know. It was awesome in an awkward way.

I am about to watch "Brothers & Sisters," so get this show on the road.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOVIE Halle Berry is so beautiful that I want to punch her in the face. Some guy wins for "Inglorious Basterds" because he is foreign. I think? I'm not sure from his accent. OK, maybe not. He's a douche. Unless he has cancer. Sheesh. I'm an idiot.

Robert De Niro makes me want to change the channel. OK, I'm done. I couldn't do it. I've let you all down, but I need to think about my mental health. I mean, seriously, it is supposed to be on for another hour? I will do the world better by looking for the actresses' missing dress straps.

PEACE OUT.