Do my Globes look Golden to you?

Golden Globes! The most popular irrelevant awards show ever.

MONOLOGUE TIME Ricky Gervais is upstaged by Steve Carrell...again. Cosmetic surgery jokes? Really? Maybe try a penis joke next. And there it is. Angelina Jolie joke. Sigh. This is going to be a long night.

FIRST AWARD given by Nicole Kidman who talks about the Haiti ribbons. Best Supporting Actress. I'm pulling for MoNique. Score!!! She is taking her sweet ass time getting up there. Seriously, she is going to say, "Thanks..." SHUT UP MUSIC! She gets all sassy. And then she makes me cry. She looks fabulous and then she says she's going to be there for a while. Work it, girl! Yeah, I can't pull that off. The way the camera angle is makes her look like she's nekkid. The Golden Globes just got fined $500,000 for plus-sized nudity.

BEST ACTRESS, TV COMEDY This award should always go to Tina Fey. ALWAYS. Toni Colette wins and I can't tell the difference between her and Edie Falco. Why is it taking everyone an hour to get to the stage? Terrible logistics. Toni says something in British that I can't understand. Probably something like, "Blimey! I cait believe I won this bloomin' award on the loo!" Sorry, Tina Fey. Come over to my house and I will console you.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I can take this moment to say that I kind of like the GGs, because they have dinner and wine during the show and so there is it is much more likely that someone will be drunk and make an ass of themselves.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, TV Doogie Howser's forehead keeps getting higher. Jeremy Piven wins best hairplugs. John Lithgow wins for "Dexter," but I will always remember him from "Harry and the Hendersons," which I am pretty sure for which he never won any award. He bores me.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM Paul McCartney presents and he looks like he has an extra sleeve on his suit jacket. Why are there so many British people? Apparently they don't have teleprompters at the GGs. "Fantastic Mr. Fox" should win, but "Up" will...and does. Surprise. Pixar pretty much had this award on their mantle 11 months ago.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I don't get the TN Lottery's big check commercial. Aside from it's sheer stupidity, it makes no sense. But they can still send me one of those big checks any time. Thanks.

Kate Hudson is in "Nine"? Is there anyone not in that movie? Is there any movie I want to see less? She introduces a clip to the movie and what I can gather, it is a movie about prostitutes who sing. Riveting.

Ricky's back and his Haiti ribbon is askew. He hates Haitians, obvs.

Felicity Huffman is possibly drunk or needs glasses. I'll let you know. She flubs her lines terribly and now no one knows what the hell she is talking about.

President of the GGs. Why do they feel like they have to talk? He is German. He also hates the Haitians. That is all you need know.

BEST ACTOR, TV DRAMA Jane Krakowski is missing a strap on her dress, so her Haiti ribbon is on her boob. She loves the Haitians. Neil Patrick Harris is not impressed with her boobs, natch. Dexter dude wins. I don't watch the show, but he is wearing a skull cap so he is an automatic douche. Unless he has cancer. Oh shit, does he have cancer??? I feel bad now, maybe. No, I think he is just a douche. UPDATE: He does have cancer. And I am a moron. John Lithgow wants to make out with Michael C. Hall. BEST ACTRESS, TV DRAMA Julianna Margulies wins for another show I don't watch. The GG people hate her because they gave her a table in the very back. Seriously, they need motorized scooters or something. This is painful. She's beautiful, but her dress is one of those asymmetrical dealies and her Haiti ribbon clashes.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I just read this article about the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yes, these awards are voted on by 93 people. What the?

Harry Ford introduces the "Up in the Air" clip. I haven't seen it, but from what I can tell, it is about indie music in an airport. Ok, so...

Ricky Gervais is wearing me out, but his Haiti ribbon is back to normal. He supports them again. Whew.

ORIGINAL SONG, MOVIE Whoa, Christina Aguilera actually looks less trashy than Cher. Never thought I'd see the day. Some Maudlin song wins from a movie called "Crazy Heart," which I have not seen. Shit, maybe I shouldn't be doing this after all. T Bone Burnett accepts. He's weird. The writer of the song is apparently stuck in the next building. They didn't even let him in. ORIGINAL SCORE "Up" wins, of course. I think that if you make a Pixar movie and it doesn't win this award, you are forced to work in a sweatshop in Calcutta and are never heard from again.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I have to pee. I'am also still bored.

BEST MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE Josh Brolin does that stupid thing where he blows a kiss to someone in the audience. YOU ARE ON TV, DUMBASS. "Grey Gardens" wins. Haven't seen it. Seems boring. Good god, no one knows where to go to get to the stage. It takes them two hours to get to the stage. The lady is shouting over the shut up music. Ha ha ha ha! Moving on...

Tom Hanks introduces the "Julie & Julia" clip. Stanley Tucci doesn't get that the joke that Tom made was not a slam on him but Alec Baldwin. I saw "Julie & Julia." I fell asleep.

BEST ACTRESS, MOVIE COMEDY OR MUSICAL Colin Ferrell says "balls." Heh. Julia Roberts claps for herself. That's about right. Meryl Streep wins for "Julie & Julia." I love her. Just love everything about her, want to be her for Halloween. Why are all of these actors so befuddled when they get up there? They do this shit all the time. She's humble, like my best friend should be. Yes, we are best friends now. Deal with it. She doesn't get shut up music because she is MERYL FUCKING STREEP, BITCHES. She's eloquent as always and I am crushing big time. She should win every award ever. Grammy for Best Polka Album? The winner is Meryl Streep. Done.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR I ate a granola bar. Cyndi Lauper is on the new "Celebrity Apprentice." Awesome.

Helen Mirren can't read. George Lucas is still standing up at his table. Helen introduces "Precious." It's a heartbreaking movie but beautifully done. The clip they show does not do it justice.

BEST ACTOR, MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE Yawn, get on with it. Does anyone care? Kevin Bacon wins for the first time in his life. That's crazy! He still dresses like Ren McCormick in "Footloose" with the skinny tie. Move on, Bacon, that time is over. BEST ACTRESS, SAME SHIT Drew Barrymore is dating a Mac. She wins for "Grey Gardens." Did I mention I haven't seen it? Also her first win ever. She doesn't know how to get to the stage. She's being all Drew Barrymore-ish. You know, cutesy and all. What the hell is she talking about? She's wearing a coral reef on her shoulder. I need some wine. Dude, her head is about to explode. No one knows what she just said. How embarassing.

It's getting late and people are milling about and getting in the camera shot. I would go crowd surfing. Cameron Diaz's red dress introduces "It's Complicated." Haven't seen it. Someone please give me money and time so I can go see some freaking movies. The camera operators are drunk. I wish I was.

BEST SCREENPLAY Jennifer Anniston is missing a strap on her dress too. Someone is stealing actresses' dress straps. News at 11. "Up in the Air" wins. Jason Rietman is the new "it" director, I guess. I liked "Juno," so I'm cool with it. Jason wants to make out with George Clooney. So does Haiti. Seriously, George Clooney is probably the nicest guy in Hollywood.

BEST ACTOR, TV COMEDY Jennifer Garner could pop 15 babies out of her and still look amazing. Alec Baldwin wins, but he is dead. Just kidding. Thankfully he is not there so we are spared another speech.

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR If there isn't a drunken rampage or a nip slip soon I am turning the channel. I think we all know "Avatar" is going to win Best Picture.

Samuel L. Jackson introduces "Inglorious Basterds." Guess what? Haven't seen it. It's about Hitler and Nazis and stuff. I guess?

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM I can guarantee I haven't seen any of these, so I will take a little nap. Dude. Sophia Loren looks AMAZING. She is in her 80s I think. Seriously, get me the number of her plastic surgeon. I really should watch more foreign films, but honestly I think they generally are crap, or as they say in France, crappe.

BEST DRAMA SERIES Amy Poehler, we miss you on SNL. I hope Dexter wins so I will be forgiven of my prior transgression. Yes, that will make me square with the universe. "Mad men" wins and I am still going to hell. In the 20 minutes it takes them to get to the stage let me just say that the production quality of this show is terrible. It's worse than my marching band banquet in high school. The "Mad Men" producer says "Television is amazing right now," but forgot to add, "except on NBC."

COMMERCIAL SIDEBAR What have I gotten myself into? Seinfeld has a new show that I will never watch and neither will America.

Some dude from "Twilight" introduces the clip from "500 Days of Summer." I've seen it! Just kidding, I haven't. Sigh.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, TV Please let Jane Lynch win, only because she is super awesome. Clohe Sevingn (I know I just spelled that wrong, but I don't feel like looking it up). She falls and rips her dress and then does a weird laugh where she gasps in a high-pitched breath. I don't know. It was awesome in an awkward way.

I am about to watch "Brothers & Sisters," so get this show on the road.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOVIE Halle Berry is so beautiful that I want to punch her in the face. Some guy wins for "Inglorious Basterds" because he is foreign. I think? I'm not sure from his accent. OK, maybe not. He's a douche. Unless he has cancer. Sheesh. I'm an idiot.

Robert De Niro makes me want to change the channel. OK, I'm done. I couldn't do it. I've let you all down, but I need to think about my mental health. I mean, seriously, it is supposed to be on for another hour? I will do the world better by looking for the actresses' missing dress straps.

PEACE OUT.

Sit Down, Comedy

Last night I caught "The Tonight Show" with the highest paid temp ever, Conan O'Brien. I have to admit, I really couldn't give a crap about the Leno/Conan/Minnelli late-night war. I have never really cared for the late-night talk show, not because I inhabit the body of a 85-year-old that looks like a 32-year-old that thinks like a 15-year-old boy, but because I just don't find them entertaining. The monologues are too long and often not funny and the awkward banter between the host and the musical director makes me want to get a lobotomy with no anesthesia. The guests come out to promote their movie/album/straight-to-DVD-porn and they are either drunk or severely socially retarded either on purpose (Kristen Stewart) or by birth (Gwyneth Paltrow). But Conan was on and I was kind of too lazy to turn the channel and might have been slightly drunk. Either one of those explanations will do, so JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

So, here comes Ricky Gervais, one of the only British comedy people I don't want to suffocate with a greasy newspaper used to serve fish and chips (I'm looking at you, Mr. Bean). Then comes this C-level actress who is in a movie written by Tennessee Williams. After the clip she showed, I hope Tennessee Williams doesn't come back from the grave in his seersucker suit to kick our collective asses for allowing this crap to be made. But his name was Tennessee, so it's not like he has room to talk. Anyway, just when I was ready to call it a night, the stand up comedian comes out. This is a staple of late-night talk shows, I understand. Many of our biggest stars today started like this. But this woman was terrible. Most of them are. I sat there thinking that if I got a microphone, yelled into it, talked about how stupid men are, flailed my arms about and laughed at my own jokes, maybe I could get on television too.

And now, thanks to me, you can too! (YOU'RE WELCOME). I have compiled my own Stand Up Comedy Mad Lib, so you can live the dream of a high four-figure income and nights spent in the best La Quinta Inns in the country. Have fun!

STAND UP COMEDY MAD LIB

Thank you! It's so nice to be here in [SMALL CITY WITH ONLY A SONIC AND WAL-MART]! Hey did you guys hear this story in the news about [CELEBRITY WHO SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE]? That's [ADJECTIVE OR EXPLETIVE]! When I want to get a date with [FAMOUS WHORE], I usually use [FORM OF COMMUNICATION] or [PORN SITE]. I mean, come on. Men are so stupid sometimes, they [SOMETHING STUPID] and they don't even realize they are doing it. Am I right, ladies? So, my [INSULTING ADJECTIVE] boyfriend is laying in bed the other night listening to [BREATHY, RASPY VOICED CROONER] and he's all, "come on baby, let's try [KAMA SUTRA POSTION]. I'm like are you serious? I wish you got this excited when I asked you to [DEMEANING CHORE]. Ha ha ha! Thank you, you've been a [ASS-KISSING ADJECTIVE] audience! Buy my new CD on [WEB SITE NO ONE WILL EVER GO TO]!

I just got 'Bucked.

I am all about self-humiliation. I think a day without humiliating myself is a day wasted. However, I do not like humiliating other people. My friends will tell you that I will go to great lengths to make people laugh (e.g. pink 80's prom dress, blow up dolls as birthday presents, Taylor Swift-covered walls, singing really bad karaoke songs, etc. etc.) but I am horrified - HORRIFIED - when someone else is embarassed in public. That's why I can't watch shows like "The Real World" and "Big Brother," because those people are so constantly embarassing. If I am forced to watch, I usually put my hands over my face like a kid watching a scary movie. In summary, me embarassing myself=hilarious...me embarassing other people=uncomfortable and shameful.

All of this to say that some people enjoy embarassing other people, especially when they know more about a subject than you. Like when I talk to some people in the medical profession and I explain the surgery I had on my knee. This is how I usually describe it: "My knee kept popping everytime I bent and then straightened it after sitting for a while, so the doc went in and snipped the tendon thingy that holds my knee cap in place so that it would be a little more fluid in movement and it worked! No more pain!" Now, if you just read that, you could probably understand exactly what the surgery entailed, no? I mean, Forrest Gump could understand that. But certain medical professionals feel the need to say, "Oh, you mean a Lateral Release." Now, I could give the person the benefit of the doubt that they thought I actually wanted to know what the procedure was called and therefore were informing me so that in future conversations I could use two words instead of the incredibly long phrase should the subject ever come up again. But since I am a cynical bitch, I am going to assume that they were just trying to embarass the shit out of me. What good did correcting me in front of other people do other than feed your giant ego because you knew a technical term? I mean in my line of work, if someone says "I will get you the measurements and the info on color and size and all that," I don't snidely say, "Oh, you mean the specs." I would kick myself in the balls (figuratively) if I ever did that to someone.

The worst of these offenders are the employees at Starbucks. I visit The 'Bucks far too often. I can't help it...I am addicted to freshly blended, over-priced espresso beverages in pleasantly colored brown and green cups. It reminds me of my time in the Girls Scouts, I guess. I usually order one of three things when I go to The 'Bucks because I am a creature of habit and fear change. For this study, we will only examine the behavior of the employees at the 'Bucks across from Vanderbilt (it figures). So, I walk up to order and already I am nervous because I want to get the terminology correct because there are people behind me and if I get it wrong I will just die. Plus? I like for cashiers/servers to ask me as few questions as possible (like, "How would you like that cooked?" or "What two sides would you like with that?") because it makes me feel smarter (small pleasures, people...work with me). Being the 'Bucks regular that I am I know that ordering usually goes like this: 1) size, 2) type of milk (nonfat, 2%, etc.), 3) no foam or no whip, 4) syrup flavor if applicable, 5) name of drink (latte, mocha, etc). This particular time it happens to be about 150 degrees outside, so I opt for an iced version of my favorite beverage, the nonfat, sugar-free vanilla latte. While standing in line, I have been going through my order in my head so that when presented with snooty cashier, I can get it right and experience my own sense of smug satisfaction. Finally, it is my turn. "Can I get a grande, nonfat, sugar-free vanilla latte, iced please?" Perfection, Amanda. You nailed that shit. Everyone is looking at you like you are the hero that just hit a home run with the bases loaded and two outs. You are the Barry Bonds of Starbucks, my friend. After taking the order, cashier dude usually yells the order to drink-maker dude and drink-maker dude repeats it to make sure he gets it right. Good system, small margin for error. "I need an ICED grande SKINNY VANILLA LATTE please." Motherfucker!! I thought I had this. Who knew that the word "iced" should go before size? No one told me this. Here I stand embarassed in front of all of the Vandy doctors in their scrubs and Vandy students with their laptops and trust funds because I didn't know that "iced" goes first and their is a fucking nickname for my beverage of choice. Cashier dude looks at me with which I can only assume is an eat-shit smirk. Drink-maker dude follows protocol by repeating "ICED GRANDE SKINNY VANILLA LATTE???" Sonofabitch, YES! Shit, do you have to say it that loud? To make matters worse, drink-maker dude tacks this on to the end: "Do you want whip cream?" Fuck me! I said the drink wrong AND I got a follow up question. I am so embarassed right now that I want to curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth repeating "There's no place like home," over and over again. And then..."So we've got an iced grande NO WHIP skinny vanilla latte." Kill me now. I give him my money, defeated. I can never show my face in this Starbucks again. Damn them for making me feel inferior! I grab my drink and run off to the little side station to get a napkin. I pull out a pen and write on the napkin: NOTE TO SELF: ICED GRANDE NO WHIP SKINNY VANILLA LATTE...DUMBASS. I have to study this for the next time I visit the 'Bucks...at a completely different location, of course. Hey, you live and you learn, right? And you learn that addictions will make you put yourself in humiliating situations over and over again.

Now if you will excuse me, I have some studying to do before tomorrow morning's Starbucks run...

Journalistic integrity.

I have a confession to make. I suck at journaling. I have always wanted to journal, and have always marveled at those who do so consistently, but it has never caught on with me. My bookcase contains about 10 journals of all shapes and sizes that have about a month's worth of writing in them usually starting on January 1 (did I mention that I suck at New Year's resolutions too?). It's not that writing down my thoughts at the end of the day is time consuming or oppressive, it's just that I, well, don't think my life is interesting enough to keep writing about. Sure, I could write about where I ate for lunch that day or a new wine that I tried or whatever, but will I really care about those things 20 years from now when I look back and read them? Plus, what if I become famous someday and long after I pass away, they find my lost diaries and want to publish them until they realize that the general public does not want to read "Today I ate asparagus and it made my pee smell." Then people will laugh at me and realize that I wasn't really as talented as they thought I was and didn't deserve to be famous after all. And I just don't want to put my two adopted African children through that.

That being said, I made a vow to myself to journal every day of my trip to the mountains, mostly because I had some mental shit that I had to work out and I thought that writing my thoughts out on paper might help me work through it. I did not count, however, on my mom bringing about 15 different bottles of wine and letting the sweet elixir flow like the nectar of the gods. And since I did most of my writing at night, the entries turned into something a little more entertaining than feelings, analyzing, emotions and other worthlessness. Highlights below.

.. ..

Day One
Woke up late (awesome). Did some yoga a la DVD to become one with my inner zen. Apparently my inner zen is just as cynical as my outer zen because the woman on the DVD just might be the most annoying person ever. I try to concentrate on my breathing but the bags under her eyes are distracting. I am so fucking zen right now. Ohmmmm.

Gym. Old people on treadmills. Classic episodes of "American Gladiators" on the TV. Sweet! Old person switches the TV to Fox News. Shit. Crazy rich old people with all of their money and conservative fake news. Shower time!

Craft fair. Man, people sure do make a lot of crap and call it "art." Among the paintings of bears and deer and some pottery that looks like someone pooped it out, I find a necklace that is actually pretty cool and pretty cheap. Score! One of these days I am going to cut branches off trees, paint them different colors, glue them on a canvas, slap a $100 price tag on it and go to a craft fair and sell the shit. I could clean up.

Nighttime. Pre-dinner cocktails with mom on the porch. We talk…and talk…and talk. We process some stuff from my childhood and from her marriage to my dad, which include details about gross stuff and I throw up a little in my mouth. But then I wash it down with pinot grigio. Cut to two hours later. We are drunk and have totally forgotten to cook dinner. Oops. We agree to go the new restaurant down the street that has beer, which is remarkable only because it used to be a dry county until this year. Score one for the drunks! I like when my mom drinks because she laughs at her own jokes and cusses. Through our conversations I know that she is completely in every way my mother. And I am definitely her daughter.

.. ..

Day Two

Breakfast. Yoga. Shopping in nearby town of Highlands. I find a store that has half-priced Lucky Brand Jeans but not my size, which convinces me that the mountain gods hate me. I return to the condo defeated.

Time to hike! I want to hike by myself to clear the cobwebs from my mind and find clarity at the top of a mountain. Four miles of straight uphill later – with an amazing view of the valley I solve problems, make commitments, find my smile and come to a place that is familiar and warm. It's nice. After about an hour, I make my way back down the mountain. Suddenly I feel like someone has just stabbed me in my heel. I look down and swat off a very large, ugly bug. The pain shoots up my leg and I immediately think I am going to die on this mountain. I start hobbling down the trail, going quickly because I don't know how much longer I will have until I faint and hit my head on a rock. "I will die on this mountain," I think to myself. Dramatic? Perhaps. Possible? Maybe. It happens. My ankle swells up like Kirstie Alley on a post-Jenny Craig bender. Before I know it, I make it to the bottom. I have lived to hike another day. When I get back to the condo, I prop my foot up and pour myself a glass of wine and raise my glass. To the bug that bit me and made me realize how precious life is – I hope he died a slow painful death choking on my blood. Cheers!

.. ..

Day Three
Dad and Jeff arrived today. We go hiking at Whiteside Mountain. We split up – mom and I go up the uphill part, and the pussies, I mean the boys, go up the more gradual trail. We cross at the top. Mom and I make it to the bottom where Jeff is waiting. No sign of dad. We wait. And wait. I wonder if dad got bit by the same kind of bug I did yesterday and has fainted for real. He finally makes it down. It's wine-thirty, bitches! Let's go!

.. ..

Day Four
(blank)

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Day Five
(blank)

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Day Six
(blank)

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Day Seven
Shit. Old dog, new tricks. Better make room on the bookshelf.

Conversations with Plant Lady.

PL: Knock Konck!

Me: Hi there.

PL: (walks over to floor plant) Wow! She's just sprouting little babies everywhere.

Me: (feigning interest) Oh yeah?

PL: Yeah, she's got one, two, three, four, five, six little babies coming out of her.

Me: Maybe I should throw her a baby shower.

PL: Yeah, six of 'em!

Me: She sure does get around.

PL: Your tree here is a little whore! Ha ha!

Me: Oh...um...wow...ok.

Do internet scammers even try anymore?

Going through some e-mails today, I came across one from the IRS telling me that my stimulus refund would be deposited soon. Of course, not being void of all of my good sense I know that the IRS does not e-mail people because only human beings with souls use e-mail. Needing some entertainment for my weary brain, I clicked on the e-mail, mostly because the subject line promised me my "tax refound." Apparently my stimulus check was lost, but now is refound. Amazing greace, how sweet the seound!

Anyway, I clicked on it expecting what any kind of scam trying to get my $600 check would say..."we want to give you your money but don't have anywhere to send it, please give us your checking account number so we can deposit your money as soon as possible, you hapless fucking idiot." But what I found was oh so much better. I screen captured it for your pleasure:



I can't pick the best part of this scam e-mail. Is it the fact that the IRS tells me that I have "got" a tax refund? The IRS sneers their snotty little noses at grammar. We are the IRS, dammit! We not got to use grammar rightly if we no want! Or is it the fact that the refund is on my Visa or Mastercard? Why can't they put it on my Amex or Discover card? Maybe my favorite part is the "Complect Formular." The IRS has no use for the English language, so they decided to make up their own Latin-esque phrasing to make it sound like Julius Caesar. "Thou doth complect formular unto thine refound, you hapless fucking idiot!" No, no. I think my favorite part is the fact that my refund is $620.50. Not the even number of $600 that was promised, no! Just because I am a great American citizen and a true patriot, I get an extra $20 bill and two quarters to remind me of the great patriots Andrew Jackson and George Washington (twice) and how I should strive to be like them. So, American patriot, click on this Complect Formular and we shall be cleaning out your bank account posthaste, because this is America and we can.

Seriously, do these internet scammers even try anymore? I mean, you would think they would put a little bit of thought into something if they were trying to make a lot of money. Or maybe this is just an experiment to see if someone will actually fall for it. Hmmm...maybe I will try this to see if it would work. I do have that extra $20.50 to work with...

Conversations with Plant Lady.

Plant Lady: Knock, knock!

Me: Hi there! How's it going?

PL: Just fine thanks. (Looks at an open program book on my desk). That guy's got one hell of a fake tan!

Me: Yeah, it seems so. And fake teeth.

PL: I got fake teeth, but not a fake tan.

Me: Oh. Um, ok.

PL: (Looks over at one of the figurines on my desk). I have another client with the guy fighting the chicken thing at one of my other offices. I don't know what it means, but it's funny.

Me: It's from "Family Guy." Just a random thing, but it makes me laugh.

PL: You know that show "Lost in Space"? I have another guy who has that robot from that show that goes "Danger, danger Will Robinson!!!" (flailing her arms in the air and using a robot voice). You know? "Danger, danger!!!!"

Me: Yeah, I was born in 1977.