Sit Down, Comedy

Last night I caught "The Tonight Show" with the highest paid temp ever, Conan O'Brien. I have to admit, I really couldn't give a crap about the Leno/Conan/Minnelli late-night war. I have never really cared for the late-night talk show, not because I inhabit the body of a 85-year-old that looks like a 32-year-old that thinks like a 15-year-old boy, but because I just don't find them entertaining. The monologues are too long and often not funny and the awkward banter between the host and the musical director makes me want to get a lobotomy with no anesthesia. The guests come out to promote their movie/album/straight-to-DVD-porn and they are either drunk or severely socially retarded either on purpose (Kristen Stewart) or by birth (Gwyneth Paltrow). But Conan was on and I was kind of too lazy to turn the channel and might have been slightly drunk. Either one of those explanations will do, so JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

So, here comes Ricky Gervais, one of the only British comedy people I don't want to suffocate with a greasy newspaper used to serve fish and chips (I'm looking at you, Mr. Bean). Then comes this C-level actress who is in a movie written by Tennessee Williams. After the clip she showed, I hope Tennessee Williams doesn't come back from the grave in his seersucker suit to kick our collective asses for allowing this crap to be made. But his name was Tennessee, so it's not like he has room to talk. Anyway, just when I was ready to call it a night, the stand up comedian comes out. This is a staple of late-night talk shows, I understand. Many of our biggest stars today started like this. But this woman was terrible. Most of them are. I sat there thinking that if I got a microphone, yelled into it, talked about how stupid men are, flailed my arms about and laughed at my own jokes, maybe I could get on television too.

And now, thanks to me, you can too! (YOU'RE WELCOME). I have compiled my own Stand Up Comedy Mad Lib, so you can live the dream of a high four-figure income and nights spent in the best La Quinta Inns in the country. Have fun!

STAND UP COMEDY MAD LIB

Thank you! It's so nice to be here in [SMALL CITY WITH ONLY A SONIC AND WAL-MART]! Hey did you guys hear this story in the news about [CELEBRITY WHO SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE]? That's [ADJECTIVE OR EXPLETIVE]! When I want to get a date with [FAMOUS WHORE], I usually use [FORM OF COMMUNICATION] or [PORN SITE]. I mean, come on. Men are so stupid sometimes, they [SOMETHING STUPID] and they don't even realize they are doing it. Am I right, ladies? So, my [INSULTING ADJECTIVE] boyfriend is laying in bed the other night listening to [BREATHY, RASPY VOICED CROONER] and he's all, "come on baby, let's try [KAMA SUTRA POSTION]. I'm like are you serious? I wish you got this excited when I asked you to [DEMEANING CHORE]. Ha ha ha! Thank you, you've been a [ASS-KISSING ADJECTIVE] audience! Buy my new CD on [WEB SITE NO ONE WILL EVER GO TO]!